GDC DADS TALKING TO THEIR KIDS!
GAY DADS CANADA
TALKING TO YOUR KIDS
Here is an essay written by a young daughter
after being told by her father that he
was gay and how she dealt with this change
Jolene’s Essay 2002 The morning began like most others with the sunlight striking my bedroom shutters, invading my resting eyes, and leaving my body in an uncomfortable state of being half-awake and half-asleep. The only thought that entered my mind was that it was too early to leave the comfort of my familiar, feathery, Calvin Klein bed.
The presence of my father in my bedroom at first felt somewhat soothing, until the moment he glanced awkwardly at me, and an uncomfortable wave of terror overtook me. His puffy and seemingly insecure blue eyes led me to believe that he had been crying. "Dad never cries," I comforted myself; "He must just be tired." Tired or not, his face left me feeling queasy with a trail of goose bumps running up and down my body. I knew from that instant on, something was unquestionably wrong, and that the life I had known might never be the same.
It seemed impossible that two unrelated words could be responsible for changing my family, my feelings, and my once so "common" life. The words going to be uttered by my father- Divorce! Gay! I sat down unsteadily with my two sisters in the room, which once was a place of coming together, but now felt like a place where my family would split at the seams. We gathered in the “family room”.
Trying to keep my sense of control, I was swept away by the thought of losing everything that had once been taken for granted. My dad was gay and my parents were succumbing to that disturbing statistic of 47% of all American families who get divorced. Completely and utterly shocked, I remained motionless, breathless, and speechless. Afraid, uncomfortable, and horrifically insecure, I tried to understand the shocking information presented before me, but failed miserably time after time. The new and unfamiliar emotion of being powerless haunted me like a bad dream. Hundreds of questions raced through my mind like a prolonged hailstorm-Was my dad really gay? Why?
Would I be able to accept him? What does my mother think? Would this be the beginning of never-ending conflicts? What would all my friends think? Would this be the end of everything "normal" in my life?
For the longest time, I had conceived an image of what a "gay" man was supposed to look, talk, and act like. I pictured a flamboyantly dressed, effeminate man with a lisp. How could I reconcile that image with my father? Why did he want to leave such a comfortable and familiar life to explore homosexuality? It didn't seem fair and it never made sense to me. Why had he hidden this for so long, and why was he going to ruin our lives?
Gradually, I forced myself to accept my father and acknowledge the fact that I would no longer belong to a "white picket fence" family. I began to accept the reality of the situation. No longer could I remain sheltered and hidden in a gloomy cave of denial and hope to wake up one morning realizing that it was all merely a bad dream. I kept in mind an inspirational and motivational quote, reminding me to deal with my own situations and make the best of my life.
"Sailors do not ask for more wind, they simply learn how to sail." I was the captain of my own ship, and it was time for me to take charge, accept all, and begin to sail on. Moving on with my life was a most challenging feat. I was sent to therapy, and forced unwillingly to speak with a stranger about my most personal life experience. Strangely perplexed by the thought of pouring my heart out to a foreign and unfamiliar person, I took the approach of shutting out all people and advice. There I was, lost in my own alien world of confusion, and yet slamming doors on any and all people who tried to step foot over the threshold.
One night, months down the road, my father and I, on our way to his newly bought house, began to talk and something changed. For the first time since the divorce we were able to re-connect. Something inside of me allowed a light to shine through all of the darkness. That night I gained a new understanding of what it meant to be true to oneself. I now understood that he had not ruined our lives, but impacted them in a way for which I am now grateful. "Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything; you are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets." (Carlos M.).
For so long my primary focus was how weak I thought my dad had been by being false to himself for so many years. But, that evening I realized that even after time, it is never too late to be honest with oneself. If someone asked me the one thing that my parents have taught me over the years, it was taught through this divorce.
Honesty is the best policy and compromising any part of yourself to fit in or to be accepted will only end up bringing you down. That night, after bonding with my father, I also bonded with myself, promising never to loose my strength or individuality.
"People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost" (H. Jackson Brown). Over time and after much thought, I now understand the importance of this quote. People still judge my father and my family and some condemn him as an "evil" person.
But, I now know in my heart that if one is honest with oneself it doesn't really matter how many people you are impressing. Change and obstacles are inevitable, and the most difficult task in my life was learning from them. Through my parents’ divorce, I learned that life doesn't consist of only sunny days.
Once you are able to sail through the stormy weather, you will grow and develop your character. So, as the sun shone on my face that grave and life-altering morning, with my father crying at the edge of my bed, I was unaware and unprepared to accept what was headed my way.
Now, however, I wake up every morning seizing each new day with an open mind, accepting others differences, while staying true to myself. Without rain, you would see no rainbow, and without challenges, I would not be able to appreciate all of the beauty and new opportunities in my life.
20/20: Young Men With Gay Moms
Brothers Josh Graham and Alex Tinker Tell Their Story
By Alice Irene Pifer
September 30, 2004
Josh Graham and Alex Tinker are not biologically related, but they consider themselves brothers who have something distinctive in common — they are sons of a lesbian couple.
Bonnie Tinker, mother of 17-year-old Alex, and Sara Graham, Josh's mom, have been together for 23 years. Their family is a statement about defying conventions and reaching across boundaries.
Josh, now 33, began his life as a child who represented the blending of two worlds. His mother, Sara, is white, and his father, John, was black. When Josh was 5 years old, his father died. A few years later, the widowed Sara fell in love with a woman, Bonnie Tinker.
For Josh, Sara and Bonnie's relationship was at first perplexing. "It was just total confusion for me," he says.
In 1977, Bonnie and her daughter Connie moved in with Sara and Josh, who was only 10. Adjusting to the new family was a painful challenge. The idea of homosexual parenting was not widely accepted, and Josh says he felt embarrassed by his lesbian mom and her partner.
Because he feared being ridiculed, he brought home only his closest friends and told others Bonnie was his aunt. "I didn't want to have to deal with explaining who she was," he says. In fact, Josh says having a lesbian mother was harder for him than growing up a biracial child.
In 1983, when Josh was in high school, Bonnie became pregnant through artificial insemination, and Alex was born.
Alex's childhood was different from Josh's because, from the time he was born, his parents were "out" as lesbians. But things were difficult nonetheless. When he was 5, Alex's was barred from seeing his best friend when the little girl's parents decided they didn't want their daughter exposed to his lesbian parents.
Agony of Adolescence
The toughest years for Alex were middle school, when adolescent teasing can be particularly cruel. Alex says he faced a lot of mudslinging of all sorts: "Fairy. Sissy boy. You're mom's a lezzie. She's a fag. She's a dyke. You must be gay, too. Your family's weird."
The ridicule made Alex long for conventional parents. "I spent a lot of time wishing that I could just have a normal family," he says.
Though both Alex and Josh are straight, they say that as a teens they felt anxiety about their sexuality. "I felt like I had to prove my masculinity and that I was straight," Josh says. Alex too says he feels pressure to let people know that he is heterosexual.
Alex says his most significant male role model was his older brother Josh.
"I never felt like there was anything lacking. I mean, by the time I was old enough to need any kind of male influence, Josh was a young man," he says. Alex also occasionally sees his biological father, who is a friend of the family.
Josh, too, says that having lesbian parents did not deny him the benefit of male role models. He spent a lot of time with his uncle. "He was there whenever I needed to talk," Josh says.
Coming to Terms
While Josh and Alex have both gone through some of the painful struggles children of gays often face, they both seem to have come to terms with it.
Josh says that as he matured into adulthood, he saw how deep the prejudice against homosexuals can be. Ironically, witnessing that prejudice taught him a lot. "Other people's ignorance has given me a sense of enlightenment," he says.
Josh now does volunteer work for an organization started by Bonnie called Love Makes a Family, which offers support to families with sexual minorities.
Alex says he, too, has slowly come to accept his lesbian parents. For one thing, now that he is a senior in high school, his classmates are more mature and the teasing has ceased. But he says he too has matured and has changed the way he views his mom and Sara.
"You know, eventually I just kind of dealt with it and said, you know, it's not like they're doing anything wrong . It's the world that needs to be changed," he says. "I feel blessed to have had two parents who have been there 100 percent for me my whole life."
Josh agrees. "There's so much love in our family. The experience was hard but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Just the experience of living in a different family teaches you a lot of values."
Do children of gay parents develop differently?
Do children of gay parents develop differently?
Tyrone Turner / For the Times
Chad Craig hugs egg donor Jessica after 26 eggs were harvested from her. Chad and David Craig, in the background, had been waiting nearly two years for this moment. It was the first significant medical step in their unconventional quest to become fathers. Research suggests there's no distinction. But the field is a young one, and studies are often colored by politics.
By Kevin Sack, Times Staff Writer
October 30, 2006
Despite three decades of research on gay parenting, social scientists cannot conclusively determine whether children raised by homosexuals develop differently, for better or worse, than those raised by heterosexuals. Though the early consensus is that they do not, even the investigators acknowledge the field is too young, the numbers too few, the variables too many and the research too values-laden to qualify as definitive.
Photos: Surrogacy: A Test in...
Procedures often result in risky preterm births
As gay marriage and parenting have moved to the forefront of national discourse, what has emerged, some experts say, is a political debate masked as a sociological one. In 2001, Judith Stacey and Timothy J. Biblarz, then sociologists at the University of Southern California, published a review of 21 previous studies of the children of homosexual parents (most of them lesbians). Almost uniformly, they wrote, the research found no systematic differences between children reared by a mother and father and those raised by same-sex parents. But Stacey and Biblarz also observed that researchers who found no differences sometimes skewed their interpretation of results to suit their own leanings. "Ideological pressures," they concluded, "constrain intellectual development in this field…. Because anti-gay scholars seek evidence of harm, sympathetic researchers defensively stress its absence."
ABOUT THIS SERIES
For more than two years, National Correspondent Kevin Sack followed Chad and David Craig as they attempted to become parents through a gestational surrogacy arrangement. The Craigs provided confidentiality waivers to their physicians and lawyers, giving Sack broad access to the inner workings of the process.
SUNDAY: The journey begins
MONDAY: Trying to make a baby
TUESDAY: Will Chad and David become fathers?
Some studies, said Stacey, have ignored or downplayed early indications there may, in fact, be differences in the development of character and gender roles, among them that children of same-sex parents may be more open to homosexual experimentation. "I think they'll be more tolerant, more flexible in terms of gender conformity," said Stacey, who now teaches at New York University. "The boys may be less aggressive. There's some indication the girls will have a wider array of career aspirations."
Charlotte J. Patterson, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and a prominent researcher in the field, has found that the purposefulness inherent in same-sex parenting tends to counter any societal disadvantages. "I think what we're seeing overall is pretty positive adjustment on the part of these kids," she said. "What that suggests, I think, is that we may have overrated the role of gender in parenting in our theoretical notions about these matters."
Over the last decade, that general proposition has been embraced, to varying degrees, by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Medical Assn., the American Psychological Assn., the American Psychiatric Assn. and a variety of child welfare groups. The psychological association holds that "the research has been remarkably consistent in showing that lesbian and gay parents are every bit as fit and capable as heterosexual parents, and their children are as psychologically healthy and well-adjusted as children reared by heterosexual parents."
The American Academy of Pediatrics, in a 2002 review of the literature, also found no negative effects. "Compared with heterosexual fathers, gay fathers have been described to adhere to stricter disciplinary guidelines, to place greater emphasis on guidance and the development of cognitive skills, and to be more involved in their children's activities," the group wrote. Even social science articles that oppose same-sex parenting typically do not claim significant evidence of dire consequences for children.
Instead, opponents have argued that parenting by a mother and father is optimal, and that much of the existing research has been "compromised by methodological flaws and driven by political agendas," in the words of a 2005 Family Research Council report. The report's author, Timothy J. Dailey, also said that "openly lesbian researchers" — he named Patterson specifically — "sometimes conduct research with an interest in portraying homosexual parenting in a positive light." To do so, Dailey wrote, ignores "the accumulated wisdom of cultures and societies from time immemorial, which testifies that the best way for children to be raised is by a mother and a father who are married to each other."
Both sides agree that large numbers of cases will need to be studied. Those cases could become available in a generation or two. The 2000 Census found that 34% of female same-sex households included children under 18, an increase of 72% since 1990, and that 22% of male same-sex households included children, a quadrupling since 1990.
kevin.sack@latimes.com
From the children's point of view, the task which challenges them most is simply growing up. To cope with each stage of development, they need and want a supportive and stable family environment in which to grow physically, cognitively, psychologically, morally, and socially. They want to know their parents love them and care enough to spend time with them, to let them explore the world around them as well as set limits, and to be there when they get hurt or fail to meet expectations. When things get rough "out there", they want to be able to "come home" to their safety net. Finding out this new information about their father shakes up their picture of the family and adds another challenge with which to cope alongside those of growing up.
Prior to telling his children, a husband's disclosure to his wife has already changed the family constellation in a small or large way, no matter how loving and close the couple are. Whether the wife quietly tries to understand her husband's new identity or erupts in anger, some degree of tension reverberates in the household. Children, closely tuned into the family ethos, often become aware that something is different even before they are told.
The question then is when to come out to them and how. The bottom line is to tell the children with love with a goal of helping them understand, more than of fulfilling the father's need to tell. A relaxed, intimate atmosphere, freed of household chores, perhaps in a setting away from the house, helps create the kind of intimate framework that will best convey a loving and caring meaning of the disclosure. A simple introduction and then a statement with room for reactions and reflection are really all that is needed. Some fathers tell the children separately or all of them at once -- with or without their wives -- in person or in a letter followed up by a face-to-face conversation. Telephone calls have not proved to be effective.
Looking back, children say the sooner they are told the better, or they feel they were not trusted to handle the truth. A rule of thumb that seems to work is to wait until both parents are comfortable enough with the gayness to be able to support their children as they process the disclosure. If the couple plans to separate, it is not helpful to come out at the same time. The break- up poses a worse crisis for the children than the coming out, though both events are upsetting. Coming out some time before or after the divorce will also help the children understand a reason for the break-up other than their being its cause. Despite planned timing, some children, having observed changes in the father's appearance or social activities, precipitate the disclosure. Seeing the father's new partner may also lead to direct questioning. No matter when the father tells the children, the mother's explicit respect of his perspective makes it easier for children to accept the disclosure.
Each age brings its particular reactions and expressed needs. Young children, not knowing much about sexuality much less homosexuality, take the announcement as a matter of fact, as long as they are assured that both parents continue to love them and will be there for them. Older, school-age children may fear taunts from classmates. Teenagers, who do not want to appear different from peers and whose own sexuality is emerging, have the hardest time accepting the news. They face many of the same challenges their gay father faced in his coming out: identity, integrity, sexuality, and life plan. Even children who were told when they were young have to process the information all over again when they become adolescents. Some wonder if they might be gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Others wonder if they, too, might marry someone who will turn out to be gay. Adult children tend to make moral judgments, and some feel angry at the impact on their mother.
No matter at what age children are told, the telling is only the first step. It helps when parents have factual information about homosexuality and resources available as they ask further questions in keeping with their age and stage of development. For instance, teenagers may want to know other teens with gay or lesbian parents, and you can refer them to COLAGE, Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere.
The children's first reactions, whether explosive or quiet, generally change over time. Youngsters who are angry at first, eventually figure out that the coming out did not change their father. Others take the news quietly and then leave the room to cry in their own rooms. Some fathers report that their children had no problem with the coming out, based on their not saying anything negative at the time. Apparent acceptance, however, does not mean they have no concerns. Their prior picture of gender, of marriage, of their dad, now needs adjusting. Like any change, this unexpected event is unsettling. As they sort out the incongruity of their father's being gay, questions keep coming. Hopefully, the children feel free to ask them. Some do not, fearing that any expressed negativity will alienate their father.
What are some of these concerns? Some children say they are embarrassed by any changes in their gay parent's appearance, dress, or interactions with gay friends or a partner. Many fear their father will be infected by the AIDS virus. Most feel hurt by anti-gay attitudes expressed by friends, neighbors, classmates, or church and temple congregations -- and rejected by teasing about having a gay dad.
When children are encouraged to talk about such worries, the hurtful events become a source of learning as the gay father and straight mother explain that name-calling stems from ignorance. Parents can also give children tools to handle future problems. For example, if a child were ridiculed at school for having a gay dad, they can suggest retorts such as, "Hey, you're talking about my dad," or "He's still the same old dad, you know".
Keeping children's possible reactions in mind, a gay father can come out to his children with honesty and love, confident that they will at some point accept him in his new identity. This means assuring the children that his relationship with them will not change, that he and their mother both love them, that they will lose neither parent because of this, and that both parents are there to answer questions and help them deal with whatever concerns come up.
Some children take months to accept the disclosure. If for example, the father leaves the household to live alone or with a partner, one or more children may be reluctant to visit him. Advice offered by many fathers includes: Give the children time. Let them ask all the questions they want. Introduce them to changes in your life slowly, one by one. Avoid putting them in situations beyond the sensitivity level of a particular child or the general maturity limitations of this or that age group. Listen to their anger, tears, and accusations without putting up walls to defend yourself. Wipe their tears and cry with them. Show you understand their anger. Explain with confidence your new identity; don't argue.
Coming out requires time, patience, and love. Most children take the news in their stride, if allowed to come to terms with it on their own terms. Being a good parent doesn't stop with coming out. In some cases, the communication initiated by the coming out improves the parent-child bond. Throughout the process, their love for their father remains very much alive, even if not shown. Coming out to them gently and honestly gains their respect.
Tips for Coming Out to your Kids
The first thing to note is that it is really terrific that you are taking time to consider how to sensitively approach coming out to your kids.* Here at COLAGE we have found that children really want to know the truth about our parent's sexual orientation, and usually they have some idea before you even tell us! But just because we want to know doesn't mean that we always are thrilled about the situation, especially initially. It can signify a big change in the family, especially when accompanied with all the transitions that come with a divorce or break-up. Here are some tips to keep in mind that might help:
It's never too early to come out to your child/ren. Kids understand love. What they don't
understand is deception or hiding. And it's never too late to come out to your child. COLAGE has met folks in their forties whose parents are just now coming out to them. A lot of mysteries are being solved, and missing puzzle pieces falling into place for these families. Often knowing the truth will be a relief for kids of all ages.
Tell your child/ren in a private space where the conversation can't be overheard and will be completely confidential. Telling them at your regular Saturday night dinner at your favorite restaurant will be overwhelming.
Make sure you tell them when there will be plenty of time for the conversation to continue if it needs to. If they are staying with you for the weekend, for example, talk with the kids on Saturday morning instead of waiting 'til the drive back to their other home on Sunday night.
If you are agonizing over exactly what to say, try writing it down first or practicing with a friend.
Kids’ responses are going to vary. Some may need some time and space to process the
information on their own. Some might have a million questions. Others may barely react at all. No matter how your kids respond to your coming out, honor the process that they need to go through for themselves.
Listen and ask your children what they already know and feel about LGBT people. Both as a starting point for them to have a discussion about sexual orientation; as well as in regards to suspicions they may have had about you.
Don't think that coming out to your kids means it's time to have "the big sex talk." Explain your sexuality in age-appropriate ways and in ways that they can understand. Talk about having feelings of love, care, and concern, along with attraction, for the same-sex. If you are involved with someone and feel comfortable sharing this information, it's a good idea as you will be explaining your feelings for someone your kids know. Another person makes the whole thing more concrete and less abstract.
Think of this as a lifelong conversation, not a one-time deal. Your children's thoughts, feelings, and questions will continue over time and change as they get older. This month they might not care, next month they might be mortified, next year they may have lots of questions. Keep the conversation alive; the tricky part is avoiding them feeling like you want to talk about it ALL the time (but believe me, that's better than not enough).
The kids are all right!
Research shows that families headed by gay and lesbian parents are as healthy as traditional families, but misperceptions linger.
Most of the parenting challenges Steven James, PhD, faces are pretty ordinary. For one, James's usually studious son Greg, 9, has recently been refusing to do his geography homework. "He's just not that interested in memorizing states and capitals," says James, who chairs the psychology and counseling program at Vermont's Goddard College.
However, as gay parents, James and his partner, Todd Herrmann, PhD, have some fears that don't keep most other parents up at night. The biggest one, says James, is that their sons, Greg and Max, 4, might be taken away from them if they travel to a hostile place. James and Herrmann's adoption of the two boys is not legally recognized in 11 states and many countries, and as a result they can't safely visit one set of grandparents.
"My dad and his wife were here to visit a few months ago and they asked: ‘Why not bring the boys to Oklahoma?' I had to explain: ‘Your laws don't respect our adoption. Your state could put the boys into foster homes without any say from me or you,'" says James.
Families such as the James-Hermanns and the challenges they face are becoming increasingly common in the United States. The 2000 U.S. census estimated that 163,879 households with children were headed by same-sex couples. That number is likely to be much larger today, says Charlotte Patterson, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia.
"More people are choosing to start families in the context of a gay or lesbian identity," she says.
Additionally, the census fails to count the perhaps millions of families where a single gay parent heads the household, says Judith E. Snow, a Michigan-based therapist and author of the book "How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent" (Harrington Park Press, 2004).
But while gay- and lesbian-headed families face a slate of challenges that more traditional families avoid–from legal hassles and homophobia to everyday tasks, such as figuring out how to fill out school forms–research shows that the children with gay or lesbian parents do as well as children with heterosexual parents. Having a gay or lesbian parent doesn't affect a child's social adjustment, school success or sexual orientation, say researchers.
"Sexual orientation has nothing to do with good parenting," notes Armand Cerbone, PhD, who reviewed research on gay and lesbian parenting as chair of APA's Working Group on Same-Sex Families and Relationships.
Challenging assumptions
Unfortunately, many people are not aware of the three decades of research showing that children of gay or lesbian parents are just as mentally healthy as children with heterosexual parents, notes Cerbone. One such study, published in Child Development (Vol. 75, No. 6, pages 1,886–1,898) in 2004, compares a group of 44 teenagers with same-sex couples as parents with an equal number of teenagers with opposite-sex couples as parents. All participants were part of a national, randomly selected sample of teenagers from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health.
"There were very few group differences between the kids who had been brought up by same- or opposite-sex parents," says Patterson, who conducted the research with students Jennifer Wainright and Stephen Russell, PhD, now an associate professor of sociology at the University of Arizona. One group difference that Patterson was surprised to find: Children of gay and lesbian parents reported closer ties with their schools and classmates. However, says Patterson, the difference was small and needs to be studied further.
Patterson's study debunks the myth that children of gay or lesbian parents have trouble developing romantic relationships due to a missing father- or mother-figure–a concern that judges making custody rulings have cited. Equal numbers of teenagers from each group reported that they had been in a romantic relationship in the previous 18 months. Participants from the two groups did not differ in grade point average, symptoms of depression or self-esteem.
While the sexual orientation of the parents in Patterson's study did not predict the adolescents' social adjustment, the quality of the parent-child relationship did. Children who reported warm relationships with their parents tended to be the most mentally healthy and have the fewest problems in school.
Patterson's and others' findings that good parenting, not a parent's sexual orientation, leads to mentally healthy children may not surprise many psychologists. What may be more surprising is the finding that children of same-sex couples seem to be thriving, though they live in a world that is often unaccepting of their parents.
In fact, an as-yet-unpublished study by Nanette Gartrell, MD, found that by age 10, about half of children with lesbian mothers have been targeted for homophobic teasing by their peers. Those children tended to report more psychological distress than those untouched by homophobia.
But as a group, the children of lesbian moms are just as well-adjusted as children from more traditional families, according to the data from Gartrell's National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study. The resilience of the children may, in part, come from their parents' efforts to protect them and prepare them for facing homophobia, says Gartrell, a University of California, San Francisco, psychiatry professor.
"In order to create a homophobia-free space for these children, the moms have had to educate their pediatricians, their child-care workers," says Gartrell. "They are active in the school system and make sure there are training modules in the schools that support diversity including LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered] families. All this is on top of the usual 24-7 commitment to parenting."
Sources of support
Many gay and lesbian parents pull off this feat by plugging into informal support networks, notes Jane Ariel, PhD, a clinician with many gay and lesbian clients, and also a psychology professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley. Lesbian and gay parents may also look to therapists for help navigating the typical demands of parenthood and the special demands of being a gay parent, she notes.
Psychologists can be particularly helpful if they tune into what some of that extra work entails, says Ariel (see sidebar). Researchers, too, can ameliorate the challenges such families face by continuing to dispel myths about lesbian and gay parents and by educating the public about their findings, notes Cerbone.
Support can also come in the form of gay parents' groups that meet regularly to socialize, trade parenting tips and share information about gay-friendly schools and doctors, says Ariel.
"There is often a very strong, intimate connection with an extended of group of people who become like family and serve some of the same purposes," says Ariel.
The James-Hermanns plugged into such a group through their local Unitarian Universalist church.
"Surrounding ourselves with other gay-dad families has been enormously helpful," says James.
National groups, such as Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE) and Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) can also help children with gay or lesbian parents learn how to handle homophobia from their peers, notes Judith Snow. In fact, in her work as a therapist, Snow encourages gay and lesbian parents and their children to tap into COLAGE or similar support networks.
"What these groups do is normalize the whole thing by showing kids they aren't alone and helping them learn the skills to cope with having gay or lesbian parents in a homophobic world," says Snow.
From nagging his kids about homework to teaching them how to confront homophobia, being a gay dad is a lot of work, says James. However, it's also a lot of fun, he says.
"Watching the boys grow and develop into these amazing little people–it has been an incredible experience," he says.
Children of gay and lesbian parents may enrich more than just their parents' lives, says Gartrell.
"The kids I've interviewed are enormously thoughtful–they are not only sensitive to discrimination to their groups but other groups as well," she says. "This is something LGBT families have to offer the world."
For a summary of research on lesbian and gay parenting, visithttp://www.apa.org/pi/parent.html.
Further reading
• American Psychological Association. (1995). Lesbian and gay parenting: A resource for psychologists. Washington, DC: Author.
• Ariel, J., & McPherson, D. (2000). Therapy with lesbian and gay families and their children. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 26, 421–432.
• Chan, R.W., Brooks, R.C., Raboy, B., & Patterson, C.J. (1998). Division of labor among lesbian and heterosexual parents: Associations with children's adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology, 12, 402–419.
• Fulcher, M., Sutfin, E.L., Chan, R.W., Scheib, J.E., & Patterson, C.J. (in press). Lesbian mothers and their children: Findings from the Contemporary Families Study. In A. Omoto & H. Kurtzman (Eds.), Recent Research on Sexual Orientation, Mental Health, and Substance Abuse. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
• Gartrell, N.G., Deck, A., Rodas, C., Peyser, H., & Banks, A. (in press). The national lesbian family study: Interviews with the 10-year-old children. Feminism & Psychology.
• Snow, J.E. (2004). How it feels to have a gay or lesbian parent. New York: Harrington Park Press.
• Wainright, J.L., Russell, S.T., & Patterson, C.J. (2004). Psychosocial adjustment, school outcomes, and romantic relationships of adolescents with same-sex parents. Child Development, 75, 1886–1898. staff
Same-Sex Parenting: Creating a Strong Family Life as a Gay Couple
Source: http://www.sexualityandu.ca/parents/talk-7.aspx
Parenting by openly gay couples is still a new phenomena. Because society as a whole has yet to catch up with the trend, you may encounter suspicion or even hostility if you're parenting with a same-sex partner. You're in a unique position to show, through your own example, that gay parents can make good parents and that gay families can be happy families.
Perhaps you've wondered yourself whether you and your same-sex partner are depriving your child of an essential ingredient available only to children of "straight" parents. You can lay your mind to rest: all the research to date suggests that the children of gay parents are at no significant disadvantage. Key findings include the following:
- Good parenting does not depend on sexual orientation; rather, it depends on a parent's ability to create a loving and nurturing home, something both gay and straight parents can do.
- Home environments with gay parents are as effective in fostering a child's development as those with heterosexual parents; the children of gay parents grow up as happy, healthy and well-adjusted as the children of straight parents.
- There is no evidence to suggest that children of gay parents are less intelligent, less popular or more likely to have problems than children of straight parents.
- Children of gay parents are no more likely to become gay (or straight) than other children.
| In a recent report reviewing the literature on gay parenting, the American Psychological Association observed that "not a single study has found children of gay or lesbian parents to be disadvantaged in any significant effect relative to children of heterosexual parents." |
If you encounter suspicion or overt disapproval, avoid getting caught up in long-winded arguments. You stand a better chance of making your case by showing than by telling: it's only by seeing for themselves that most people change their views. If you give people the opportunity to see your family life in action, there's a good chance their preconceptions will melt away in time.
You may find Gay Parent Magazine (www.gayparentmag.com) to be a useful resource as you proceed in your journey as a gay parent.
TWO LETTERS TO A FRIEND,
plus a critique with another point of view
First Letter: March
You've asked for my advice on how to come out to your kids. Each of us has to deal with this issue in our own way. But, for what they're worth, here are my thoughts:
Is This Trip Necessary?
The first thing is this: It is IMPORTANT to level with your kids, no matter what their age. If you don't level with them about who you are and what you're feeling, you can't expect them to level with you about the difficulties and challenges that are part of any kid's life. We expect and want our kids to be open and truthful with us. A necessary precondition is that we be open and truthful with them.
Secrecy about any subject, sexuality included, destroys the trust that is essential for good communication with your kids. If you hide an important aspect of yourself from your kids, bad things will start to happen. First, they will begin to suspect the truth, or some distorted version of the truth, no matter what their age. Because you're not leveling with them, there will be no way for you to communicate with them (or they with you) so as to shine the light of reality on the suspicions and distortions that will inevitably arise.
Another bad possibility, especially when parents are going through a divorce, is that kids will blame THEMSELVES for the divorce, even though the reasons for the divorce have nothing to do with them. This sort of thinking leads kids downward to guilt, and anger, and self-hatred. This is what we call childish narcissism, and it's quite natural for kids to think this way. So it will HELP your kids, a lot, if they know that one reason for the divorce is that daddy would prefer to live with a man, and that this is not his fault, or mommy's fault, and that it is definitely not their own fault.
This is not to say that coming out to your kids is easy. When I first saw with clarity that I owed it to my kids to be open with them about my sexual orientation, I found that task to be so unimaginably difficult that I had no idea how I would accomplish it. (In the end, coming out to my kids was a lot easier than I expected, but I'm talking now about what it felt like in retrospect, not what it was ultimately like.)
When to Tell Them
I've heard an awful lot from gay fathers about the best age at which to tell kids about one's sexual orientation. There is no "best" age. In general, you should come out to your kids as soon as you feel strong enough to do so.
However, the age of your kids will affect how you go about telling them, and how difficult it will be for them to process the information you give them. In general, little kids (say, 10 and under) don't have much difficulty when a gay parent tells them about his sexual orientation. Nor do young adults (20 and upwards). Pre-teens and teenagers have more difficulties, precisely because they are already struggling to define their OWN sexual identity.
Sometimes fathers believe that kids under 10 or 12 are too young to know about sex. That's clearly not so. For example, sociologists tell us that most of us know with some clarity about our sexual orientation while we are still kids. The MEDIAN age for such knowledge is 11. That means that lots of kids know about their sexual orientation at 7 or 8 or 9. Little kids aren't stupid, just immature.
Once you have reconciled yourself to the need to tell your kids about your sexual identity, and once you feel strong enough to take on that task, the next step is to be on the alert for what might be called "teachable moments" - that is, moments when kids are curious, interested, and ready to learn.
Waiting for a teachable moment is the opposite of having a solemn, prearranged conversation at a specific time. I can remember when my father decided to tell my brother and me about the "facts of life" as they were then known. The whole scene left me with the feeling that there was something ponderous, dangerous, different, and downright BAD about sexuality. Not exactly a good preparation for a happy adult life.
It would have been much better if my dad had just answered my questions when I asked them, giving me as much information as I seemed ready to absorb, and no more.
Fortunately, teachable moments happen all the time, if we are alert for them. Kids' questions to you are an obvious signal that a teachable moment has arrived.
Sometimes we can provoke a teachable moment. For example, if a television program has portrayed a gay character, you can ask a child "what do you think about him," and then take the conversation from there. Your question to the child gives him/her permission to open up a conversation with you about a subject they might otherwise be hesitant to discuss. Of course, the first time you ask such a question, the kid may clam up. That's O.K. Just ask again when the time seems right.
How to Tell Them
Telling your kids about your sexual orientation is no different than talking to them about any other serious subject. That's the first thing to keep in mind.
The second thing to remember is that it's important to use age-appropriate language when talking with kids. You know this already in a lot of different areas, ranging from how to get along with others in school (psychology and human relations), to why there are stars in the heavens (astrophysics), and on to why they should brush their teeth (medicine and biology). In all these areas, you talk to kids in ways that are appropriate to their age and understanding. Talking to them about your sexuality (and theirs) is no different.
A third thing to keep in mind is that your kids will inevitably have questions as soon as they begin to understand what you're telling them. One of the common questions is "If you're gay, does that mean I'll be gay?" Give them a chance to ask those questions.
Not all the questions will occur at once. It takes time for us to process information, whether we're young or old. It's therefore appropriate to ask a kid, a day or two after your first discussion, whether he/she has any questions about the things you discussed earlier. Even he or she doesn't, this will give you a chance to extend an open-ended invitation: "Well, if you do have questions, I'd be glad to talk with you." That leaves the conversational door open, when and if the kid wants to walk through it.
Here's a final note: I don't think there's any special recipe for a good conversation with your kids about an important subject. In general, however, it's best to select a place where you won't be distracted or interrupted. I can think of few things worse than trying to talk with your kid in front of someone (such as a wife) who's not sympathetic. In circumstances like that, the adults can easily get in an argument, and that will greatly confuse and worry the kid. So wait for a trip in the car, or a quiet walk in the neighborhood, or some similarly suitable time.
But don't fall into the trap of waiting for the absolutely perfect time to talk with your kids. It will never come! I missed a lot of suitable conversational opportunities that way. Don't let the best be the enemy of the good.
If you have several kids, it will probably be easier for you to talk with them one at a time, rather than all at once. But you should be the best judge of that. The decision should depend on how close together the kids are in age, and how well they get along with one another.
If you decide to talk with your kids one at a time, I suggest you AVOID swearing the first child to secrecy before you talk with the next kid. Swearing a kid to secrecy leaves him/her with the idea that there's something awful about the information you've shared. There isn't, but a child may have difficulty seeing that. One possible approach is to say to the first kid: "I haven't yet had a chance to talk with [name of next kid] about all this, but I will soon. In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with talking with him/her if you want to."
Well, that's about the sum total of my thinking on the subject of coming out to kids. Please don't regard this as gospel. What I've said is just the result of my experience, and the experience of the other gay fathers I've talked to over the years. Your good judgment is just as good a guide as anything we have to say.
In closing, perhaps I should mention one other thing: There are GREAT rewards in being out to your kids. Depending on your situation, those rewards may be slow to materialize. There may be a lot of anger and unhappiness at first. But in the end, your kids will respect you for having been truthful with them, even though that was hard to do. And you will communicate better with them about lots of difficult and important subjects, because you (and they) both learned to communicate effectively about the important subject of sexuality, and what it means for you and them.
Second Letter: July
I've been thinking a lot about your wife's opposition to your coming out to your kids. The more I think about her views, the more wrong I think they are. Here are my reasons:
- First, your wife seems to be assuming that your kids will regard your coming out to them as a "burden" rather than just another fact about you that they didn't know before. There is NO reason to assume your kids will regard your information as a "burden." When a kid is told the truth by a father who loves them, they are unlikely to regard the truth as a burden. Your wife may find your sexual orientation to be a burden, but your kids won't. For them, it will be just another piece of information about you.
- Second, your kids will inevitably learn, sooner or later, about your sexual orientation. They may learn the facts from their siblings, or from family friends, after a long period of waiting. Or they may learn the facts after years of agonized wondering about why you divorced and left home. Or they may become curious as young adults, and start to ask their own questions. So, sooner or later, they will learn. How much better if they learn NOW, while you are there to comfort them, reassure them, and answer their questions.
- Third, your wife's demand that you "keep quiet" with the kids means that, when your children eventually do learn the truth, they will regard you as a person who lacked honesty. "Not only did he conceal the truth from us, and leave us wondering why he left home," they will say to themselves, "but he lacked basic honesty, openness, and candor." You don't want to run the risk that your kids will think such things about you.
I'm sorry to be so harsh and uncompromising in what I've said above. But I see no other way out. There is nothing else I can say. You MUST summon up the courage to be truthful with your kids, now or very soon, despite your wife's wishes.
I have prayed for you. As I said the other night, I have no idea whether God accepts an agnostic's prayers. But I have really prayed that you will have the strength to do the right thing by your kids and by yourself.
CRITIQUE OF "TWO LETTERS TO A FRIEND"
The issue of coming out to your children is a tad more complex than "you need to be honest if you want them to be honest." If I am angry at my wife, the better course of action is to restrain that anger and discuss the underlying issues privately with my spouse, rather than in front of the children. Likewise, if I'm having problems with my boss at work, I see no need to discuss that with my children. I don't talk about trouble paying bills with my kids. Straight spouses dissatisfied with the other spouse's sexual performance or stamina or fetishes don't (or shouldn't) talk about such things with their children.
Is this dishonesty? Are children in this wild, wicked world of ours "better" if shielded from nothing, exposed to the raw elements of naked humanity and given totally, totally honest reviews of the good, the bad and the ugly?
Personally, I am of the view that there is no moral or ethical compulsion to share every detail of a parent's life with one's child. Phrases like "you should do it" or "you owe it to them" gloss over the individuality of every gay father's situation. Are you coming out, getting divorced and planning to live as a gay man? Well, if that's the case, then it certainly makes sense to discuss, at an age appropriate level, the reasons why you are coming out.
I think, in large part, you need to do this not to make your life any easier or to make you feel "better" or more "out", but to explain to the children why their parents are separating, why it is NOT the fault of the children and also to explain the soon-to-be-evident circumstances of dad's new life. That's an easy scenario.
But what about the man who chooses to remain married and to some degree closeted? In this circumstance, I have a far harder time understanding an argument that it is "better" to come out. Will giving the children this piece of information make it easier on the dynamics of what is likely an already difficult marital relationship? How will knowing dad is gay make a child happier, more well-rounded?
Sorry, I just don't see it. Truth is not some vaunted abstract sacrament on the altar of life. Just because I might feel better to be "truthful" with my children, doesn't necessarily mean it's better for them to have to process a piece of information that, at best, is cumbersome to process.
I'm not telling my kids, not because I'm afraid to or because I'm embarrassed or ashamed of my homosexuality. I like who I am, sexuality and all. I'm not telling them because where I am right now in my life, I just can't fathom how it would make my kids lives easier in either the short or long term. If, in the future, things change and they find out or I find circumstances are such that I think they should know, I think kids are smart enough to understand that there are things that even loving parents can, and do, appropriately choose not to share with kids. Kids aren't naive, I agree, but I think they're capable of understanding even the subtle nuances of life.
Gay and Lesbian Parents
by Dr. Benjamin Spock
As many as 10 million children currently live with 3 million gay or lesbian parents in the United States. These numbers are likely to increase. A growing number of gay and lesbian couples are choosing to become parents--through adoption, insemination, surrogate parenting, and foster care.
Additionally, there are men and women who have had children in traditional marriages and subsequently discovered they were gay. While some of these parents remain married until their children are grown-up, others divorce and continue to share the job of rearing their children with their ex-spouse.
What do we know about the children?
Like any family, what is most important for children is how loving and nurturing the parents are and whether or not the parents are aware of any special needs they may have. Since gay men and women can be as warm and caring (or as dysfunctional) as heterosexual parents, it is not surprising that the mental health of their children is comparable.
Many studies have shown that there is no difference between the well-being of children raised by heterosexual parents and those raised by gay or lesbian parents. Furthermore, sexual abuse is statistically less likely to happen with gay and lesbian parents. Most intrafamily sexual abuse is committed by heterosexual males.
Children of gay and lesbian parents are as likely to be heterosexual as are children growing up in more traditional families. At the same time, these children are often more tolerant of different sexual orientations and more sensitive to minority status. Most studies show that gay and lesbian parents make a special effort to expose their children to strong role models, both male and female, both heterosexual and gay.
Special challenges
Children of gay and lesbian parents face challenges similar to those faced by other minorities. They may be teased and made to feel ashamed at school when classmates learn that their parents are gay. This torment can be especially cruel when the teacher, other school officials, and the parents of classmates make no effort to educate themselves and their families about gay and lesbian parents.
For children whose identity is in the process of formation, being viewed by peers as not normal and as a threat to the mainstream culture can create emotional conflict. Of course, such childhood trials can also build strength of character and empathy for others (and often do), but the process can be excruciating for parent and child alike.
Many schools try to discourage teasing of any child by teaching respect for the values and lifestyles of other cultural groups. In these schools, the teasing of children from alternative families is likely to be much less.
Value in adversity and diversity
All parents and all children face special challenges. Your goal should not be to avoid all stress and travail--that's impossible, as you undoubtedly well know. Rather, your goal should be to use those negative experiences to teach your child about tolerance, empathy, and consideration toward others.
For heterosexuals, the existence of gay and lesbian families offers you an opportunity to teach your child about different types of families and to value what is really important--not whether other families are different from yours, but whether they uphold those values your family respects: kindness, consideration, and warmth. Such lessons in tolerance and acceptance of diverse family structures will serve your child well in dealing with the exploding cultural diversity of the world of the 21st century.
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COLAGE (Children Of Lesbians And Gays Everywhere)
COLAGE is the only national and international organization in the world specifically supporting young people with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender parents. It provides education, support and community on local and international levels, to advocate for our rights and those of our families, and to promote acceptance and awareness that love makes a family. Email list for children 14+ and resources for younger children.
http://colage.org/.
The local chapter has meetings for 6-12 years olds and also for older teens. Check out Seattle Colage at:
http://www.geocities.com/seattle_colage
PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
PFLAG promotes the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, their families and friends through: support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy, to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights. PFLAG provides opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and gender identity, and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity.
www.pflag.org
