GAY DADS CANADA

WELCOME GAY FATHERS:

IF THIS IS THE FIRST ISSUE OF “FATHER’S VOICE NEWSLETTER” THAT YOU HAVE COME ACROSS, LET ME JUST SAY “WELCOME” AND THAT I AM GLAD YOU HAVE NOW DISCOVERED YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY GAY FATHER ALIVE, BUT THAT THERE ARE MANY OF US OUT THERE IN THE WORLD.

WE RECEIVE A LOT OF E-MAILS FROM “FATHER’S VOICE NEWSLETTER” READERS ASKING US FOR ADVICE OR TO PUT THEM IN CONTACT WITH GAY FATHERS SUPPORT/DISCUSSION GROUPS IN THEIR PART OF THE WORLD.  IF SUCH A GROUP IS MEETING IN YOUR AREA, WE WILL MAKE YOU AWARE OF IT.  IF YOUR AREA DOES NOT OFFER SUCH A GROUP WE WILL WORK WITH YOU TO HELP TO ESTABLISH SUCH A GROUP IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN ESTABLISHING YOUR OWN LOCAL GROUP.

SO NOW, LET US SHARE WITH YOU OUR LATEST EDITION OF OUR NEWSLETTER AND HOPEFULLY AFTER YOU HAVE READ IT WE WILL HAVE HELPED YOU ON THE ROAD TO BEING A HAPPY GAY FATHER.

Best wishes,     
PAUL
 

     For many older gay fathers, their senior gay years should be viewed as a special age of gay entitlement.  After their long years of being in the closet, fighting identity issues, fighting to hold on to their family lives and their children, older gay fathers should presumably be entitled to love, respect, a loving partner, and all the appropriate happiness that would be experienced by any straight older father.  Yet all of these benefits somehow still go unfulfilled for what seems to be the current devalued status of our older gay fathers in gay society today.  Gay society stigmatizes the older gay father as a social misfit in their orientation and identity.  Apart from their new found role as gay consumers, the idea that older gay fathers have anything useful to contribute to gay society is seldom entertained.

     The efforts to isolate older gay fathers in their own support groups and associations bespeaks a belief that they have little to teach the rest of the gay society and reflects the desire of younger gays to decrease their interactions with the gay community at large.  Since older gay fathers, much like other gay minorities, cooperates in this segregation testifies to the power of the stigma affixed to older gay fathers.  Their ability to belong, that is, to retain their feelings of self-worth within the gay community, is sometimes the subject of humor and occasional official concern within gay society.

     So what is usually the response of older gay fathers to being marginalized and devalued by the gay community?  They are angry.  It is not enough that older gay fathers must sustain the losses that normally come to other gay men with age; diminished sexual attractiveness, declining health, the absence of a longtime life partner and a gradual loss of mental acuity; these older gay fathers must also deal daily with the disdain of a young gay society reserved for those gay men without power or meaningful purpose.

     And so it becomes the task of many older gay fathers to suffer.  In gay society certain groups of gays are assigned certain roles.  It is the job of the young attractive gay male pin-ups, for example, to tax the rest of the gay society with one-night stands, in your face public behavior, and overuse of the word “Gay Pride”.  Older gay fathers sometimes appear to exist in order to annoy the rest of gay society with their slowness to self-declare and emotional/family complaints.

     The idea that the older gay father has anything to offer a young gay society in the way of wisdom or life experience is seldom considered.  The reason: older gay fathers are preoccupied with self-declaration and identity complaints.  When younger or middle-aged gay men talk about their older gay father friends, it is often with a sense of confusion mixed with misunderstandings.  Older gay fathers seem to become more vulnerable to depression.  Depressed gay fathers tend to be self-absorbed, confused, and hard to support.  Adequate treatment for depression is frequently overlooked for the older gay father.  Pseudo-explanations substitute for proper medical evaluation:”I’d be depressed, too, if I lost my whole family by coming out.”

     These lower expectations on both sides of the gay community result in a kind of standoff in which the older gay fathers play their role as a source of endless longings while the younger gay men listen grudgingly with as little actual contact or concern for them as possible.  Segregation into separate social groupings is a common indicator of the exclusion and marginalization that frequently accompanies the older gay fathers these days.

     Perhaps for older gay fathers their final obligation is just to sustain the physical and psychological blows that accompany aging and fatherhood with a dignity that eschews self-pity.

With anal intercourse, if you haven’t done it before, you might feel clumsy, confused; body motions used in anal intercourse aren’t used in many places outside of sex, so how can you be expected to know them instantly?  If you feel uncomfortable, tell your partner you would like to explore these feelings and maybe he can help you out.

     One big worry that you might have is that you are embarrassed, that you’ll fail.  This is called a “performance anxiety:” you can’t get it up, you can’t keep it up, and/or you can’t carry through to climax.  The penis is sensitive to worry, like a barometer it goes up and down with anxiety level (among other things, such as fatigue).  In other words, if you’re to upset or too unsteady, it’s pretty hard to fake it with your cock.  And once you’ve “failed”, it makes it even harder.

     But actually, this penis sensitivity can be seen as a good thing: it makes you be honest.  If you’ve tried the first time and failed, you probably feel bad about it.  This is not a bad thing.  Try looking at it from a new point of view, seeing what you attempted neither as a bad thing or a good thing, but simply as an activity you were not yet prepared to engage in with your partner.  First, you’ll want to discover you can enjoy contact with your partner’s rear end and his with you.  When you’re having sex, try inserting your finger on or in his anus, and he into yours, especially at climax.  Thus you will discover that you can give and get extra pleasure this way.  After you are used to this, try lying on your back, and having your partner straddle you at the waist, to insert your penis in him.  You don’t have to move a thing; just relax and feel it.  Often we are so worried about what to do after insertion that we never actually get that far.  Let your partner do all the movements.  If you go limp, try again or switch to something else you both like doing.  Make sure it’s OK with your partner if you go limp, since this (limp=failed=bad) can be the biggest part of feeling like you’re no good at doing this.  Take the time to discover that you can be erect and be inside your partner.  If it doesn’t happen sooner or later, you may want to just let it rest until a better time.

     After you feel comfortable being inside of your partner, try moving.  As you begin to do this, open up to your desires.  Try the side-ways position, both facing the same way, since it won’t be as demanding as some others.  Once you feel fluid and relaxed mentally, your body will flow also.  Flex it; try out your pelvis.  Just move it around any way and see what happens.  You’ll probably discover for yourself most, if not all of the positions there are.

     There’s another important matter that’s good to know.  And this is about not forcing anyone’s ass.  There are two ways to experience anal intercourse, as a loving inter-action, or as a brutal game of force and selfish controlling between two people.  Time and again, it is the good consciousness that matters; feeling warm, trusting, and open with your partner.  With this attitude, the problem of forced entry will never come up.  But it often happens that a tight anus is rammed by a callous or overeager partner, and this is not good.  Remember, the anus muscles will only be as loose as the person feels.  If a person’s anus doesn’t relax, intercourse can still happen, as the ass can be entered by sheer force.  This is usually very painful, and may result in the tearing of the rectum.  You will instantly know if you are being entered in a bad way, because it’ll hurt a lot.  And that’s the time to stop things.

     Be gentle when you enter another person; after you’re in, you can use healthy stroking, but not at first; don’t plunge in like a high diver.  You should slide in with a firm, easy pushing.  If not try again later.  The best indicator of trouble is pain—a little is OK, especially if the person being entered is inexperienced, but a lot means STOP.  The anus is very flexible, but it may take some practice—try inserting a little, then full insertion later, followed by gentle movements.

     There are all sorts of drugs which may enhance sexual pleasure.  The best known are alcohol and marijuana/hashish, although these are not, strictly speaking, aphrodisiacs.  What booze does is fuzz up the mind, so that you tend to forget anxieties, social rules, shyness, and personality hang-ups.  A lot of liquor tends to inhibit erections.  Marijuana (and hashish, which is the dried oil from marijuana) is a mild mind enhancer, which relaxes the body and increases body sensitivity.  Because of this, touch and pleasure feelings become stronger and more colorful.  Also, controls fall slack, as with alcohol.  Many people enjoy marijuana to enhance their pleasures.

     Then there’s amyl nitrate, commonly known as “poppers”.  This is inhaled through the nose, and causes the blood vessels to the heart to dilate, bringing on a euphoric “rush” lasting several minutes.  Some people sniff poppers during sex and especially at orgasm to multiply their sensations.  However, the drug has very bad effects on weak hearts, and can kill in some cases.  So don’t use it unless your heart’s in good condition.

     Other drugs such as valiums, LSD (“acid”), heroin (“junk”), cocaine (“coke”), amphetamines (“uppers” like “speed” and “whites”), barbiturates (“downers” like “reds” and “bennies”), and so on, are not usually related to sexual activity.  Some, like the barbiturates, even suppress it, while others, like valiums, inhibit erection.  The exception to this is Quaaludes, a kind of relaxant, which seems to eliminate many barriers to sex, although it too reduces erection firmness.  However, Quaaludes are physically addicting and have been, for the most part, removed from drug markets.

     In relation to S & M sex, most of these drugs distract from the action and can be positively dangerous!  If you are into S & M, beware of going along with a partner who is drunk or stoned, or who plans to get that way while binding you up or beating you.  It’s no fun to be trapped with a partner who’s been carried away or freaked out on some kind of drug.  For this reason, almost all regular S & M people avoid drug-taking, except for a little alcohol or marijuana at first to loosen things up.  Occasionally, poppers are also used for an extra flash.  Sometimes, you’ll run across a partner who needs a certain amount of some kind of drug like booze to remove their inhibitions, who’ll be timid or dull beforehand but an excited partner when a little (or very) tipsy.  In general, it’s best to exercise caution when engaging in drug induced sex situations.