GAY DADS CANADA

UNDERSTANDING THE PROCESS OF COMING OUT

1. Pre-coming out

Coming out is the process whereby individuals identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered (LGBT) and begin to share this identity with others.

Many descriptions of coming out have been proposed by researchers. Though intended to describe both men and women, coming out models are based on observations of white middle-class males and don’t fully describe female, economically-disadvantaged and non-white experience. In addition, models are based on previous generations. Today, coming out often occurs at an earlier age and usually unfolds more rapidly.

Coming out is complicated by anti-gay bias. It also occurs over an extensive period, probably a lifetime. Troiden’s model is typical, involving stages of a) sensitization

or pre-coming out, b) identity confusion, c) identity assumption and d) identity commitment.

Sensitization or pre-coming out

The sensitization or pre-coming out stage encompasses the pre-gay period before puberty. During this time, many sexual minority individuals report have experienced a sense of marginality or "feeling different" from same-gendered peers, possibly because of androgynous or cross-gendered role behaviors.

This sense of difference is commonly experienced as personal inadequacy, using gender rather than sexual metaphors. For example, a male child may come to believe that he is not “a real boy.” This feeling of insufficiency seems to be based on isolation and a lack of socialization in homosexual identity. Unlike racial minority children, for example, pre-gay individuals are not prepared by their parents for minority status. Instead, like all children, they are socialized according to heterosexual gender-role expectations.

2. Identity confusion

The identity confusion stage emerges at adolescence when the individual realizes that some of his or her feelings and behaviors could be understood as homosexual. A period of anxiety and confusion begins, when the possibility of being gay clashes with a heterosexual self-image. Being different may now mean being sexually different, a realization that, given social prejudice, is often distressing.

At this stage, LGBT adolescents commonly experience isolation because of the social taboo that discourages discussion of same-sex desires with family or peers. Either emotionally or physically, adolescents may also withdraw from close contact with others because of their sense of difference and absent heterosexual interest. Some adolescents may pursue a strategy of deception, in which they simulate heterosexual interest and vigilantly self-monitor to hide their secret homosexual desires. Identity confusion may continue until late adolescence or beyond. Many individuals, unable to accept a stigmatized identity that seems to preclude membership in other social categories and institutions (sometimes even their family of origin) may avoid intimacy or try to behave heterosexually. Hence, there may be a “postponement of adolescence” until the individual’s 20s or later, when he or she feels more prepared to complete the process of homosexual identity formation, including development and maturation of erotic and intimacy capacities.

3. Identity assumption

The identity assumption stage occurs during or after adolescence, when the individual accepts a sexual minority identity. This becomes possible when the categories "homosexual" or "gay" or "lesbian" etc. have been been sufficiently destigmatized that the individual accepts membership in them. Destigmatization is facilitated by positive contact with other sexual minority individuals—few lesbians or gays self-identify as homosexual without direct contact with one or more LGBT counterparts.

If identity assumption occurs during adolescence, a youth will generally choose to remain in a hostile heterosexual mainstream or seek support in the adult gay or lesbian community. Researchers speculate that a significant number of sexual minority youth leave home early to pursue the latter course, possibly resulting in a premature assumption of adult responsibilities.

Identity management also becomes an issue for self-labeled sexual minority youth since, without emotional and financial independence, indiscriminate disclosure may be risky. For

example, many educators and mental health professionals discourage adolescents from coming out to family members if they are financially dependent and can reasonably expect

a hostile reaction.

4. Identity commitment

This final stage consolidates the process of adopting homosexuality as a way of life. For many, the experience of a same-sex love relationship marks the beginning of identity commitment. Even at this stage, identity management continues to be an issue, with many individuals perceiving a need to hide their sexual orientation from significant others

such as employers or co-workers, while at the same time weighing the benefits of disclosure in order to prevent false expectations on the part of associates. Few individuals disclose to everyone.

Other issues

In addition to sequential stages, other concerns also bear upon coming out. These include the issue of grieving for a lost heterosexual self, though with increased social acceptance of LGBT minorities, this is changing.

Socialized as heterosexual, youth when coming out not only reach for something new, but also give up normative aspirations such as heterosexual marriage, children and grandchildren. Again, with legalized gay marriage in countries such as Canada and Spain and with an increasing number of gay and lesbian couples raising biological or adopted children, this is also changing. Still, it remains true that many sexual minority youth must

sometimes deal with grieving the death of what they once believed they were.

Related to the issue of symbolic death is the fear of actual death from Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. Some researchers argue that coming out is complicated by the worry of contracting an incurable sexually transmitted disease. However, others believe that fear of AIDS does not interfere with coming out, possibly because of improved public perception of the gay community.

5. Sissy boys; family disclosure

Another issue not covered by coming out models involves so-called sissy boys—gender-nonconforming males whom commentators describe as one of the most persecuted subgroups within the sexual minority community. Typically, gender nonconforming females do not attract the same hostility as sissies, especially during childhood. And the sissy faces neglect not only by the school system but by the adult gay male community because of its desire to avoid stereotyping gay male youth. Some researchers believe that a large percentage of gay men were sissies in childhood, but try to eliminate cross-gender characteristics as they assume adulthood, a process which has been called defeminization.

Some believe that, despite facing greater childhood hostility than gender conformers, sissies may complete developmental tasks more successfully than gay male youth who are able to pass as heterosexual. This is because sissies frequently seek early contact with the LGBT community. On the other hand, coming out at an earlier age and seeking sanctuary in the gay male community may interact with the usual demands of adolescence, resulting in an over-burdening of development pressures.

Finally, there is the complex issue of family disclosure. On the one hand, individuals who do not disclose are described as half-members of the family, alienated and afraid. On the

other hand, disclosure may precipitate a new series of stressors, including a) adverse parental and sibling reaction, b) a triggering of suppressed family anger not specifically related to sexual orientation, c) a need for the whole family to grieve the lost heterosexual identity and d) a frequent requirement to support parents at a time when sexual minority youth are themselves in need of parental support.

Still, these are complications probably experienced only by a minority of individuals. Though coming out is sometimes a struggle, the majority of individuals adjust successfully to LGBT identity commitment.

Gay Glossary

Although most gay-related terms are self-explanatory,

several, which we briefly define here, are somewhat

confusing. If you're unclear about others and think we

ought to include them, please e-mail us and we will

consider adding them.

Gender identity: A person's sense of being

male or female.

Social gender role: Culturally-based standards

of behavior for males and females.

Sexual orientation: A person's inward and enduring

sense of erotic desire. Includes instinctive attractions,

feelings, thoughts and desires for sexual activity with

either or both genders.

Sexual behavior: A person's outward sexual

activity. Differs from sexual orientation, which

involves inner feelings of attraction and desire.

Individuals often engage in sexual behavior that

does not correspond to their sexual orientation.

Sexual identity: The sex-role category such as

homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual that individuals

ascribe to themselves based on sexual orientation and

sexual behavior.

Homophobia: Fear or aversion to homosexuals

and their lifestyle and culture. Coined in the early 1970s,

the term signaled a pivotal shift in social attitude from

an emphasis on the supposed psychopathology of

homosexuals to an investigation of society's

negative assumptions.

Heterosexism: Belief in the inherent superiority

of heterosexuality as well as the power to perpetuate

and sanction prejudice against homosexuals. Heterosexism

is viewed as a cultural rather than individual phenomenon

and includes the exclusion or rendering invisible of

homosexuals and the assumption that all people

are heterosexual.

Coming out: A process whereby individuals identify

themselves as members of a sexual-minority category

such as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered and begin

to share this identity with others.

 GAY DADS CANADA

PERSONAL GDC FATHER STORIES

 

                                                                       

 

Until I was twenty-five, I was the only man I knew who had no story at all. I'd long since accepted the fact that nothing had ever happened to me and nothing ever would. That's how the closet feels, once you've made your nest in it and learned to call it home. Self-pity becomes your oxygen...

But every memoir now is a kind of manifesto, as we piece together the tale of the tribe. Our stories have died with us long enough. We mean to leave behind some map, some key, for the gay and lesbian people who follow - that they may not drown in the lies, in the hate that pools and foams like pus on the carcass of America.

Paul Monette, Becoming a Man: Half a Life Story.
HarperCollins Publishers, New York, 1993, pp. 1-2.

                                                                

 

My name is Darrell, and my story is ever-changing...

I will try to stay off my soap-box while I briefly describe "my story".

The growth and understanding of both myself and others is continually evolving, as are my relationships; both family and friends. I have developed some very strong opinions on being gay, and how I expect to be treated by people; that being with the same level of respect and dignity I give others. I felt it was of utmost importance to be honest with everyone, and have "come out" trying to always stand tall and proud. I have been on "both sides of the fence", and while I can see (in many cases), where people developed their misguided opinions, I most certainly cannot understand it! I often wish we as a society, could "fast-forward" to a much more completely progressive time, where everyone need not follow the majority to be "accepted" as part of the whole. That day will come!

I am very fortunate to have the love of my ten year old daughter, who is aware of her Daddy being gay, and who has embraced it with the pure honesty that only a child could. I have also been blessed by a family who loves me, and accepts me for who I am. This does not mean that the road to where I am today has been full of sunshine and roses; but my issues pale in comparison to many of the experiences of others. I am now more than two years into a relationship with a very special man who also has two children. The interaction among the five of us and our families is also continually changing, challenging, and wonderful!

I feel very fortunate to have "discovered" and accepted who I really am, and feel more "whole" than I have ever felt. I find myself often reflecting on my feelings and while the journey here has been rough, I am thankful "I have arrived"!