GAY DADS CANADA

People marry for all sorts of reasons but a stereotypical marriage where the male is gay is as follows:

The male knows or suspects that he is gay or bisexual and perhaps has known it ever since he was quite young, some as young 4 or 5 years old, others at the age of puberty. During his teens, he may have had some sexual activity with his male school friends, probably on a limited scale. However, he has been led to believe by his peers and possibly by his parents that any gay tendencies are a passing phase, part of the growing up process, and he will become fully heterosexual in time. He may even have girlfriends at this stage, though perhaps not with any sexual activity. He may drift on through life until he reaches his late 20s or early 30s, or even later, by which time he feels that it is time to settle down, to build a nest. He may meet a girl with whom he feels comfortable, and who feels comfortable with him. Stereotypically, she is the type of girl who may not have had much experience with men whom she has found intimidating. The gay male, though she may not know he is gay, is possibly less intimidating to her. They get married and consummate their marriage by having  a child or children. The gay husband may even quite enjoy having sex with his wife, after all he has convinced himself that he is no longer gay, but a normal heterosexual guy!  

Wrong!

Along comes the male menopause, or whatever you care to call it - the trigger could be a period of high stress, such as the threat of redundancy at work, difficulties with the marriage, or some other trigger. Often, it happens by the time the children have grown up and are about to leave the nest. The gay husband wakes up to the fact that he has not fulfilled his true sexuality. Yes, he is still gay, albeit one woman short of being gay. He may start to look around at other men (if he has not always done this, subconsciously). He may start to play around a bit - go to the local gay sauna, visit the odd gay bar or club, venture onto the internet seeking pictures and friends. The last thing he will do before starting this is to talk to his wife.

Before long, the gay husband has gay partners with whom he meets for casual sex. He may even fall in love with one particular guy, sometimes very much younger than himself. Then he tells his wife..........

Why do men keep doing it?

Many of us live in an enlightened society where homosexuality is more acceptable than it was even 10 or 20 years ago, and yet, gay men still marry. Why is it still happening? After all, it can cause a lot of pain for the innocent victims of such a marriage such as the wife and the children.

My belief, completely based on speculation, is that it is because those of us who do enter into marriage or a relationship with a woman have never accepted our true sexuality. There are even cases where such men are totally unaware of their full sexuality.

We have never wanted to be gay, despite those baser instincts that tell us that we have an interest in our fellow man. We want to be "normal", whatever that means; we want to be with the majority. After all, that is what Society wants, isn't it?

Thus, we are more likely to try to lead a "normal" life and all that goes with that, suppressing our innermost feelings for our fellow man, and accepting our wife or girlfriend as being "one woman short of being totally homosexual". And yes, we can love our wife or girlfriend as any "normal" man can love their wife or girlfriend, and even convince ourselves that we are "normal" until that trigger happens which destroys it all.

If any of the above strikes a chord with you.......

If you are a man, you may feel that you are the only guy in the world who is gay and married. You are not. You may be bisexual rather than gay - that does not matter - the problems are very much the same though you may have extra-marital experiences with women as well as with men.

If you are a woman married to a man who you think is gay or bisexual, again you may feel that you are the only person in the world to experience this problem. You are not.

You may not know the answers to your problem - well there is no fixed answer - it is ultimately what you and your spouse are comfortable with. But if you are a man, here are some of the questions that have to be answered:

There are, I am sure, many more questions that need to be answered, but the purpose of this group is to provide a focus for married gay men in addressing these vary issues.

So, never feel that you are alone or the only one!

And one day, when you have come to terms with your sexuality .....

..... you might just feel that it is ok to be gay!

Stage 1 - Discovery of their sexuality - often around their early teens - dreaming of boys, not girls - definitely gay but not wanting to be.

Stage 2 - Abstention of any sex during their 20s - too frightened to do anything with men or women (don't really fancy women!) - this period can vary considerably from one or two years to a lot of years.

Stage 3 - Meeting their wife in their 30s (the person they love as a friend and as the mother of their children) and 10 - 20 years of being totally faithful to her, although of course they have the odd gay thought along the way, more often than they care to admit.

Stage 4 - Regression to active homosexuality in their 40s or 50s (sometimes earlier), as a result of various triggers and likely to continue as a practicing homosexual through to the end of their lives, since they consider themselves to be totally gay, and have come to terms with it.

Phase 4.1 - Continuing in marriage and discovering men, and meeting a lot of them over a very short period! (Perhaps 100 in 18 months) - not very proud of it. This is a bit like opening "Pandora's Box" but not being able to close it again - having the taste for meeting men and enjoying it - I liken this to a form of "madness" which seems to affect even otherwise seemingly honourable, kind and loving men.

Phase 4.2 - Coming out to their wife and all that entails, as a result of the need not to put her to risk of STDs etc. - also the fear that she might have realized that things have changed. Wanting to shout from the rooftops that they are GAY!!!! But discouraged from doing it by their wife.

Phase 4.3 - Continuing in marriage and meeting and loving their first boyfriend, discovering love as it has never been experienced before. But nearly leading to divorce. Not wanting the marriage to break up.

Phase 4.4 - Continuing in marriage but breaking up with their first boyfriend, and reverting to lots of men though not quite as many as before.

Phase 4.5 - Continuing in marriage and meeting and loving another boyfriend - perhaps less of a threat on their marriage this time as the love is not quite so strong. Somehow continued with their wife's knowledge - but not feeling comfortable with the two lives, although giving stability - similar to a Closed Loop Relationship.

Phase 4.6 - Continuing in marriage but breaking up with boyfriend and grieving over him - not meeting any other men during that period of grievance, other than perhaps meeting the ex-boyfriend as a friend - experiencing constant swings from wanting to stay a married man, to wanting to live with a man for the rest of their life.

Phase 4.7 - Realizing that it is not fair on themselves or their wife to continue in marriage. The fear one day they will feel trapped and resent being married. Agreeing to separate and to continue as best friends

Phase 4.8 - Separating - but where do they go from here? Find the man of their dreams? Who knows?